To List or Not To List? Now that is the question

I love lists. They help keep me on track, remind me of what I need or want, let me know how far along I am with tasks and what else is left to be done. They aren’t bad in and of themselves but having a list in regards to getting a spouse has such a bad rap…and for good reason. If you are not careful, you tend to focus only on what is on your list and ignore everything else. It makes you close-minded, laser-focused on your pursuit of a spouse and thus, you reject every person who does not fit a certain picture of who your spouse should be or at least look like. It feels like you are given this opportunity to paint your perfect soulmate and you do not want to draw an imperfect nose, or eyes or even paint outside the lines. Thus, we end up creating this persona of that special person from our list, and who is God to not give us what we want? Aren’t we to ask and we shall receive? But we are often told, especially ladies, that we should not have a list, we should have an open mind and allow God to take care of it, why? Because He writes the best love stories, obviously.

Well, I had a list (hear me out before you close your tab). I had a list of what I wanted in a man. It was created in 2015, a few months after I had come back home to Nigeria. It was on a hot sunny day, with the dust from the back road fighting with the sunbeams that shone into my room. There was no light and I was bored out of my mind. I just wasn’t used to Nigeria as a whole (and I don’t think I am 10 years later). The fact that I had to buy ‘credit’ for my phone, why isn’t there electricity? And why is it so hot? As I laid in bed wondering why the Holy Spirit had upturned my life, my mum walks in and we began to talk.

For more context, I didn’t date much. I had just come out of a slightly toxic 2 year relationship with my first and only boyfriend (as you can probably tell, I wasn’t the one who ended things), almost dated a Muslim guy who didn’t like me that much and preferred my cousin, but whom I was looking forward to changing (don’t try it ladies it never works) and after an encounter with God, I decided to date God’s way which meant I wasn’t going to date for a while. And being Igbo and an ‘Ada’ (the first girl), with a younger brother who was in a very serious relationship, that was a big abomination. So, my mother and I began to talk and she asked, ‘What do you want in a husband?’ To be sincere, I wasn’t quite sure.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted in a husband, but I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want someone who wasn’t God – fearing and who I had to convince to go to church. Hey, I am a church girl through and through, God has to be the most important thing in your life. I didn’t want someone who wasn’t confident, and who didn’t know what he wanted. I didn’t want someone who was unkind, mean and lacked ambition. These are just a few of the things I didn’t want, but at the time if you had asked me what I wanted I would have just told you, ‘Let him just have sense’. So, in the comfort of my room as the air cooled, my mother told me to get a piece of paper and pen, and write down a list of the characteristics I wanted in a husband. So, write I did. I wrote that he should be God – fearing and kind – hearted. He should be a man who seeks God first in whatever he does, loves his family, can sing and play an instrument, understanding, doesn’t shout, can cook, not chauvinistic, loves kids, hardworking, attractive, mature, amongst other things. When I was done, my mother went over the list with me and asked me various questions, ‘what do you mean he has to be attractive?’, ‘attractive to whom?’, ‘if he cannot cook, what then?’ and after that, we prayed over my list.

It was a funny conversation, but other than being funny, it helped me realize that I shouldn’t be stuck in what I wanted in a man without considering that he may not have all those things and without involving God in the picture. If he doesn’t know how to cook, what then? If he cannot sing and/or play an instrument, would you discard an otherwise perfectly good man? Now, don’t get me wrong. There are non – negotiables which can be individual non – negotiables (for me, it would be the shouting. There is no need to shout, we can sit and have an adult conversation) and group non – negotiables (as a Christian, you shouldn’t date talk less marry someone who isn’t a Christian). However, there are things that are seemingly unimportant to your destiny; he must be six feet tall (most adults start to shrink as they get older), he must sing and/or play an instrument (do you want to start a band? And even if you do, does your spouse have to be part of the band?). Now I say seemingly unimportant to your destiny because again, I do not want to ignore the God factor; God may want you to marry someone who can sing and/or play an instrument, who knows? God may say, marry this six feet tall guy, again who knows? Nevertheless, this is where His guidance comes in, without ignoring your desires and in the same vein without disregarding His will for your life.

Funny thing is, I have met ladies who told God that they wanted a six feet tall man, and that is who they married. But the question is, as a Christian is this the kind of person that would positively or negatively affect your destiny? If you seek the face of God regarding a spouse and He says, ‘why not try this five feet five inches tall man, I think he would be more suited for what I have in store for you?’, do you think you would be willing to let go and let God? Are we ok if He gives us something else other than what is on our list? So again, I do not think that lists are bad in and of themselves, as long as you do not allow it to impede on what God has in store for you especially if you are walking hand in hand with Him as regards your spouse.

My ‘ideal’ guy had everything on my list, and was to be six feet tall, really dark - skinned, lanky and handsome. But then maybe White American because if he is, he wouldn’t mind cooking, and cleaning, and doing the dishes, etc…or maybe Black American because if he is bitten by an insect, you won’t see any blemish or bites, but he would still want to do some cooking, and cleaning, and the dishes, etc. Most of my countrymen are not built that way (you see, confusion). But he speaks fluent Igbo (so even if he is Black American, he must be of Igbo descent and even if he hasn’t gone back to Nigeria, he should know how to speak Igbo…don’t ask me how we meet seeing as he has never come back to Nigeria. Just know that I serve a living God who can make the impossible, possible) because I want my children to speak their native language. And he shouldn’t be a Pastor (again you see, confusion).

Well, my ideal husband is as fair as the sun on a hot harmattan morning, who turns red if he stays out too long. He is handsome with a full head of hair but with a widow’s peak hairline which strengthens his features but makes him slightly self-conscious, although he exudes a God – like confidence. He speaks three languages, and his smile radiates the room and personality commands recognition; you cannot miss him once he steps in. He is kind – hearted, loves children and makes me laugh with the silliest of things. He is extremely God fearing, honourable and you may have guessed by now, a pastor. Sigh, have I come to terms with this part? I am not quite sure. It comes and goes, but in another life time if we met again, I would still marry him. I don’t know what my life would have been like if I had been so laser focused on my list, but I know what my life is like having prayerful listed what I wanted in a husband and allowed God to take the wheel. It’s beautiful, funny, faith induced and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And oh, before I go, my husband cannot sing and/or play an instrument. But he sure is a mean cook in the kitchen.